a little Q & prayer

Ok so some people have noted that I have not mentioned God a lot in my previous blogs. This is not accidental but entirely intentional. This blog is a shy bit more revealing than other blogs and I may live to wish I had withheld some of what I am going to say. But I have tried to keep this blog honest, and live like a relatively open book. And seeing as most of our younger generations don't really read many books, a blog seems to be the sensible medium.

I am having a very difficult faith journey here in Chad. I had previously thought that coming to Chad would be about all I need to do To strengthen my walk with God, and that he would then seize everything here in my life and use it to touch me and change me and open my eyes to his will. Though I have been touched and I'm moving all the time, I don't feel as though I've really come to know God any better than I had when I was in Canada.

Part of the reason, if not the entire reason, I came to Chad was to challenge the faith I had and try to allow it to mature. See as many Christians I was raised in a Christian home, and have been hearing Bible stories for as long as I can remember. I heard stories about Santa, and cautionary tales to dissuade me from eating apple seeds on threat of a tree growing out of my chest. At some point we are responsible to analyze things and assess their validity.

And so I look at the world around me, I know that when I look at the earth and the creatures that inhabit it, I am looking that the intentional and wonderful creation of God. I cannot deny the evidence of his hands. And so I believe in God.

I then ask myself about what kind of God is he? Is he a God of anger and wrath? Love and mercy? Does he demand animal sacrifices? personal sacrifices? or is he content with my love and belief? I cannot humor the thought that I could confidently eliminate any of these traits from this list. Although I do believe that I am not expected to make animal sacrifices and that Gods greats qualities are his love and mercy. Which lead me to His son Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And This is where I start to lose my footing. See I have grown believing that Jesus is my soul salvation and that through his love we are made clean, and in that grace we are able to know God.

But lately I have felt a lack of clarity on many of the fundamental pieces. I came to Chad because I believe that we are most able to hear God when we are silent. That when I am not playing video games or vainly attending my Facebook, I may better hear Gods whisper. And so I removed myself from these comforts, that once grouped together create a static buzz that occupy my mind all thought the day. I also believe that God is most audible when we are made vulnerable, when we are poor in spirit and needing his water to quench our thirst. And so I have come to a desert. I feel very isolated at times, and am ill more often than not.(I am of course exaggerating, but I'm on a rant, let me run with it a bit) That is to say that much of my time here is spent in a poor spirit(Not all of my time, not even half of my time, I have found great joy here as well, this fact just doesn't help my train of thought).

So why do I not hear God. A better question is what does hearing God look like? I don't expect to hear a deep set voice in the wind. I don't expect flaming shrubbery, so what should I expect. There have been some fantastic people that have helped me struggle with this question. And I think the most rational response is to look for his love through his actions. I have seen action, external events of divine grace, as well as internal personal changes. They man not live up to divine by many standards but I find great significance in them. But I also feel that there is enough literature to suggest that I will come to know Gods love for me personally. That there is an overwhelming grace and love that the Holy Spirit will fill me with. I cannot honestly say that I now know this love, and it is this love that both drives me towards Christ and also away.

See my biblically informed self tells me that I am looking for God in the wrong way, and that I have brought expectations for God to meet that God may not have planned to meet for me right now, and that perhaps he has other things he is trying to show me. It is very possible that I am simply overlooking these lessons, that I am missing his love while I wait and cry for him to show me some other self-serving lesson. Like how do I find energy in him. On one hand I have learned many things during these past 8 months that I did not expect to. I had so many lessons planned out for God to teach me, and knew exactly how I would grow. Turns out I knew nothing. That each lesson has been on a entirely new perspective (and yes I will expand on these lessons later) than what I had expected and that these lessons have changed me in ways I had not anticipated. So how can I be discouraged by God's deviation from MY curriculum. On the other hand, I feel that what I am searching for is not some grand lesson that one finds after incredible exposure and thorough insight, but rather the most integral aspect of faith. I feel that this love should be something I know without doubt and can share with joy. I have been told knock and the door shall be opened, I feel like I’m searching for a secret knock.

These are my struggles and I appreciate any encouragement or feedback you may have to offer.