Ok so some people have noted that I have not mentioned God a lot in my previous blogs. This is not accidental but entirely intentional. This blog is a shy bit more revealing than other blogs and I may live to wish I had withheld some of what I am going to say. But I have tried to keep this blog honest, and live like a relatively open book. And seeing as most of our younger generations don't really read many books, a blog seems to be the sensible medium.
I am having a very difficult faith journey here in Chad. I had previously thought that coming to Chad would be about all I need to do To strengthen my walk with God, and that he would then seize everything here in my life and use it to touch me and change me and open my eyes to his will. Though I have been touched and I'm moving all the time, I don't feel as though I've really come to know God any better than I had when I was in Canada.
Part of the reason, if not the entire reason, I came to Chad was to challenge the faith I had and try to allow it to mature. See as many Christians I was raised in a Christian home, and have been hearing Bible stories for as long as I can remember. I heard stories about Santa, and cautionary tales to dissuade me from eating apple seeds on threat of a tree growing out of my chest. At some point we are responsible to analyze things and assess their validity.
And so I look at the world around me, I know that when I look at the earth and the creatures that inhabit it, I am looking that the intentional and wonderful creation of God. I cannot deny the evidence of his hands. And so I believe in God.
I then ask myself about what kind of God is he? Is he a God of anger and wrath? Love and mercy? Does he demand animal sacrifices? personal sacrifices? or is he content with my love and belief? I cannot humor the thought that I could confidently eliminate any of these traits from this list. Although I do believe that I am not expected to make animal sacrifices and that Gods greats qualities are his love and mercy. Which lead me to His son Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And This is where I start to lose my footing. See I have grown believing that Jesus is my soul salvation and that through his love we are made clean, and in that grace we are able to know God.
But lately I have felt a lack of clarity on many of the fundamental pieces. I came to Chad because I believe that we are most able to hear God when we are silent. That when I am not playing video games or vainly attending my Facebook, I may better hear Gods whisper. And so I removed myself from these comforts, that once grouped together create a static buzz that occupy my mind all thought the day. I also believe that God is most audible when we are made vulnerable, when we are poor in spirit and needing his water to quench our thirst. And so I have come to a desert. I feel very isolated at times, and am ill more often than not.(I am of course exaggerating, but I'm on a rant, let me run with it a bit) That is to say that much of my time here is spent in a poor spirit(Not all of my time, not even half of my time, I have found great joy here as well, this fact just doesn't help my train of thought).
So why do I not hear God. A better question is what does hearing God look like? I don't expect to hear a deep set voice in the wind. I don't expect flaming shrubbery, so what should I expect. There have been some fantastic people that have helped me struggle with this question. And I think the most rational response is to look for his love through his actions. I have seen action, external events of divine grace, as well as internal personal changes. They man not live up to divine by many standards but I find great significance in them. But I also feel that there is enough literature to suggest that I will come to know Gods love for me personally. That there is an overwhelming grace and love that the Holy Spirit will fill me with. I cannot honestly say that I now know this love, and it is this love that both drives me towards Christ and also away.
See my biblically informed self tells me that I am looking for God in the wrong way, and that I have brought expectations for God to meet that God may not have planned to meet for me right now, and that perhaps he has other things he is trying to show me. It is very possible that I am simply overlooking these lessons, that I am missing his love while I wait and cry for him to show me some other self-serving lesson. Like how do I find energy in him. On one hand I have learned many things during these past 8 months that I did not expect to. I had so many lessons planned out for God to teach me, and knew exactly how I would grow. Turns out I knew nothing. That each lesson has been on a entirely new perspective (and yes I will expand on these lessons later) than what I had expected and that these lessons have changed me in ways I had not anticipated. So how can I be discouraged by God's deviation from MY curriculum. On the other hand, I feel that what I am searching for is not some grand lesson that one finds after incredible exposure and thorough insight, but rather the most integral aspect of faith. I feel that this love should be something I know without doubt and can share with joy. I have been told knock and the door shall be opened, I feel like I’m searching for a secret knock.
These are my struggles and I appreciate any encouragement or feedback you may have to offer.
Thursday 5 April 2012
Friday 24 February 2012
Where did February go?
So I was told that my blog has been a bit slack lately, here is my remedy. First I want to share a memory, I don’t know if I put it in an earlier post, If I did, please just bear with me. It’s the memory of my first test here, first of all writing a test for students is a new feeling. Trying to capture what we’ve been working on together and thinking about who will be strive where and who will struggle on other parts is all a new feeling. But the bit that was really interesting was when I tried to hand them all out to my class. I did it at the very end of the day, noob mistake, didn’t review it in class, just stood at the door with all of the 50+ copies in my hand. Well it was a stampede, there were students climbing over desks to get their exam, it was mass hysteria and completely hilarious. I’ve now changed my methods, but part of my wants to see the chaos again. Pretty jokes. My classes have been getting pretty good lately. I had a day the other week when I was feeling completely without energy. I walked into my class and they were all yelling and not ready to start class, usually I’d run in there, guns-a-blazzin but I had no guns, I could not blaze. I just stood there sizing up the anarchy and wondering how I would tackle it. I just stood at the door, far beyond a moment’s hesitation, I just stood there. Then it donned on me that some of the students were settling very intentionally. I was pulling the “I’m just going to wait until you’re all ready” attack without knowing it. So I decided to fully commit to it, and put on the appropriate face and tried to make eye contact with the louder students. It ended up as one of my quieter class. All this goes to teach me that sometimes doing nothing really IS a valid option. Haha I’m sure that will help me out again in life.
I also had an amazing class with my oldest age group. I sometimes feel that the curriculum here tries to cover too many grammar points in a year meaning that the students forget what they’ve learned very quickly. I feel like I have taught the same “simple present” to each of my classes like it was the first time. But that is a relatively uninformed opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. But the other day we were working on the Simple Past, John walkED to school. He did not walk to school. And other similar activities John has done in the past. ( I know I should use names that the students can relate to more easily, but I just think of all the stories of John I learned, how can I rob the student’s here of hearing the heroic tales of John (could also be that I’m too afraid of misspelling local names on the board)) It was a review before their exam this Saturday, and I just reviewed the essential points, and gave a few exercises. Normally I have a ton of issues getting the students to work, have to walk around and tell like half the class to start and stand over a few shoulders. I also have an unbelieveable problem with students talking in the classroom, but this class was different. Learning was in the air, like an incredibly contagious fever it took hold. Yes there was a lot of talking, but almost all of it was about the work, and the students were really applying themselves, and they were asking me questions and asking me to review their work and explain what they had done wrong. By the end of the class I was laughing with joy in the middle of class, which sounds nice, but I realize was really wired, I’m not sure how I would respond if my teacher just started laughing looking at my work…
I’m in the process of organizing a visit from my parents, and also confirming return flights home. Last month I was really feeling like I’m just living here and not looking at the end of my stay here, but in the few weeks with all of the planning I realize that my stay here is not a long one, and that my time here to really experience Chad and know the people here is going to end sooner than I will be ready for. So as of late I’ve been making more of an effort to build relationships with the people around me. It’s not been easy, who knew I was so awkward lol. But I’m trying to find someone my own age to talk to. It has been a fruitless mission so far. I’m not sure why that is, there was a time that I could blame my linguistic limitations, but then I think of a friend from high school, he was Korean and his English was practically perfect, but every blunder he made was awesome and became part of his charm. I’m hoping that I’ll soon be the foreign guy who is kind of charmingly new to the language instead of just dumb.
I think my life here is getting to feel routine which is why I have not blogged lately, it’s like when somebody you haven’t seen in a while asks you what’s new, but you look at your life of late and it all feels so routine, you can’t think of anything to mention. I feel like that, like I’ve already exhausted all of the cool stories and now just have my basic medical and emotional updates to share. And do you really want to know how erratic my emotions have been of lately? Some days I feel like I’m in grade nine again and my own mind feels like a strange place, that I’m in a new school and everything is new, all the rules have changed. Every experience is so susceptible to my mood and perspective for that day I am hesitant to draw any finalized conclusions about anything. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m like this all the time, there are just days every once in a while that I look back at and have to laugh at. Yup, so I’ve got some serious laundry to get to, some bed sheets that need to be washed, looks like my day is BOOKED. Thanks for reading.
OH WOW, need to tell you about my nature weekend last week… can’t believe I almost let that slide, what a knob! Yeah so I’ve been spending some time at a missionary hospital here that is a little bit out in the bush. I have heard tales that they have seen chameleons on the grounds but I had only seen one on the road months ago. It was an awesome sight, but I wanted to see one again. The last few trips I’ve taken a walk around trees looking for one. One of the maintenance crew gentlemen saw me looking up in the tree and came over and chatted with me. Turns out this guy has the eye, I was staring at this bush for like 15 mins and saw nothing. He then told me he saw one and it took me a full minute of staring at one spot that he was pointing at to actually see my green friend. It was so well camouflaged I fear I’ll never spot one again without the aid of a far more attentive eye. But yeah, we got him out, which he was not happy about initially, but he warmed up to us. We got some great video of him climbing the tree and other fun pictures. We named him Boy George. When we put him back on the ground by the tree he changed from a lime green-yellow to a solid green with really strong dark highlights all along his back. He changed so quickly too. It’s all on video. That night I was sitting with some of the staff enjoying some post dinner conversation when I saw it on the screen. I tell you I could only see the underbelly, but I knew. He was about 4 inches long and had a bizarre form. Yes, it was a camel spider!! (I’m thinking of the lady from my big fat greek weeding “yes, it was my twin”) If you have not seen one, go now, and google that bad boy. It will haunt you. I went outside to investigate but was too terrified to catch him. (I was such an intense blend of sheer joy and terror, I’m told my reaction was a sight to remember) That night me and Rob McAlister went to his house and watched “last of the moheekens” (yes I butched the spelling, but if you sound it out you know what I’m trying to say, anyhow great movie, loved it) as we were cleaning up, we me Laurence, Little camel spider about an inch long. We captured him built him a little home in a coffee tin with a looking glass lid engineered by Rob. I’ve been told that one day this week during feeding, Laurence made a daring escape, but I am not distraught, for Rob has captured Laurence 2.0. His body is an estimated 3 inches landing him around 6 inches from creepy leg tip to creepy leg tip. I wasn’t going to go to the hospital this weekend, but I think that I have no choice now. I must meet the new instalment to our family. K I have to get to these sheets. Much love!
I also had an amazing class with my oldest age group. I sometimes feel that the curriculum here tries to cover too many grammar points in a year meaning that the students forget what they’ve learned very quickly. I feel like I have taught the same “simple present” to each of my classes like it was the first time. But that is a relatively uninformed opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. But the other day we were working on the Simple Past, John walkED to school. He did not walk to school. And other similar activities John has done in the past. ( I know I should use names that the students can relate to more easily, but I just think of all the stories of John I learned, how can I rob the student’s here of hearing the heroic tales of John (could also be that I’m too afraid of misspelling local names on the board)) It was a review before their exam this Saturday, and I just reviewed the essential points, and gave a few exercises. Normally I have a ton of issues getting the students to work, have to walk around and tell like half the class to start and stand over a few shoulders. I also have an unbelieveable problem with students talking in the classroom, but this class was different. Learning was in the air, like an incredibly contagious fever it took hold. Yes there was a lot of talking, but almost all of it was about the work, and the students were really applying themselves, and they were asking me questions and asking me to review their work and explain what they had done wrong. By the end of the class I was laughing with joy in the middle of class, which sounds nice, but I realize was really wired, I’m not sure how I would respond if my teacher just started laughing looking at my work…
I’m in the process of organizing a visit from my parents, and also confirming return flights home. Last month I was really feeling like I’m just living here and not looking at the end of my stay here, but in the few weeks with all of the planning I realize that my stay here is not a long one, and that my time here to really experience Chad and know the people here is going to end sooner than I will be ready for. So as of late I’ve been making more of an effort to build relationships with the people around me. It’s not been easy, who knew I was so awkward lol. But I’m trying to find someone my own age to talk to. It has been a fruitless mission so far. I’m not sure why that is, there was a time that I could blame my linguistic limitations, but then I think of a friend from high school, he was Korean and his English was practically perfect, but every blunder he made was awesome and became part of his charm. I’m hoping that I’ll soon be the foreign guy who is kind of charmingly new to the language instead of just dumb.
I think my life here is getting to feel routine which is why I have not blogged lately, it’s like when somebody you haven’t seen in a while asks you what’s new, but you look at your life of late and it all feels so routine, you can’t think of anything to mention. I feel like that, like I’ve already exhausted all of the cool stories and now just have my basic medical and emotional updates to share. And do you really want to know how erratic my emotions have been of lately? Some days I feel like I’m in grade nine again and my own mind feels like a strange place, that I’m in a new school and everything is new, all the rules have changed. Every experience is so susceptible to my mood and perspective for that day I am hesitant to draw any finalized conclusions about anything. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m like this all the time, there are just days every once in a while that I look back at and have to laugh at. Yup, so I’ve got some serious laundry to get to, some bed sheets that need to be washed, looks like my day is BOOKED. Thanks for reading.
OH WOW, need to tell you about my nature weekend last week… can’t believe I almost let that slide, what a knob! Yeah so I’ve been spending some time at a missionary hospital here that is a little bit out in the bush. I have heard tales that they have seen chameleons on the grounds but I had only seen one on the road months ago. It was an awesome sight, but I wanted to see one again. The last few trips I’ve taken a walk around trees looking for one. One of the maintenance crew gentlemen saw me looking up in the tree and came over and chatted with me. Turns out this guy has the eye, I was staring at this bush for like 15 mins and saw nothing. He then told me he saw one and it took me a full minute of staring at one spot that he was pointing at to actually see my green friend. It was so well camouflaged I fear I’ll never spot one again without the aid of a far more attentive eye. But yeah, we got him out, which he was not happy about initially, but he warmed up to us. We got some great video of him climbing the tree and other fun pictures. We named him Boy George. When we put him back on the ground by the tree he changed from a lime green-yellow to a solid green with really strong dark highlights all along his back. He changed so quickly too. It’s all on video. That night I was sitting with some of the staff enjoying some post dinner conversation when I saw it on the screen. I tell you I could only see the underbelly, but I knew. He was about 4 inches long and had a bizarre form. Yes, it was a camel spider!! (I’m thinking of the lady from my big fat greek weeding “yes, it was my twin”) If you have not seen one, go now, and google that bad boy. It will haunt you. I went outside to investigate but was too terrified to catch him. (I was such an intense blend of sheer joy and terror, I’m told my reaction was a sight to remember) That night me and Rob McAlister went to his house and watched “last of the moheekens” (yes I butched the spelling, but if you sound it out you know what I’m trying to say, anyhow great movie, loved it) as we were cleaning up, we me Laurence, Little camel spider about an inch long. We captured him built him a little home in a coffee tin with a looking glass lid engineered by Rob. I’ve been told that one day this week during feeding, Laurence made a daring escape, but I am not distraught, for Rob has captured Laurence 2.0. His body is an estimated 3 inches landing him around 6 inches from creepy leg tip to creepy leg tip. I wasn’t going to go to the hospital this weekend, but I think that I have no choice now. I must meet the new instalment to our family. K I have to get to these sheets. Much love!
Saturday 14 January 2012
bring it on 2012
So I put this off for a while, seems like a fair amount of significant events have passed in the last little while, and writing it all out seems intimidating. I don’t want to overstate or belittle anything. So begins my attempt at and interesting and accurate account of the last few weeks.
BAPTISM. So before I mention the actual baptism you must know of the events precede the event. I had 30 hours of a baptism class, in French, in the heat of the day, rounding my Sunday up to about 6-7 hours at church. It was pretty intense, the subject matter was well organized and not incredibly difficult but again I state that it was all in French which is exhausting. After completing this there were several interviews to evaluate my clarity of mind and biblical knowledge. Again in French and again made for an exhausting day. But after experiencing the actual baptism, I know that it worth it. The baptism was said to start at 6, which came to about 9 or so. The event was attended by an approximate five thousand with around 430 people being baptised. Crowd control was the Chadian boy scout hitting with sticks to drive the crowd back… awesome. They called our names and sat us in columns for rapid deployment. After everyone was seated we had a service. There were 23 church bodies represented, all of which had a representative come up and say something or lead a song. (the next day revealed an awesome sunburn restricted to half of my face) They then filed people out in groups of 20 out to the water, the host pastor said a quick word and all dunked at once. Then it was a pretty quick loud and high energy process, people singing clapping. It was incredible. Path through the crowd to a mass changing area(rice sacks sown together, 20 guys SO tightly packed, it was insanity), I sincerely doubt I’ll ever forget that walk. After changing came the pictures, a lot of people said I was the first white guy to be baptised there, I remain sceptical, but people were really excited to see me do it. A lot of pictures. Then to one church for a service/dance party. Then to our own churches for communion. Lots of people walking with us, it was the closest to celebrity status I will ever be. Then a bunch of people came back to our house for food and song until late at night. I slept like a champ that night.
CHRISTMAS So it was not Christmas. It was a lot of fun and I’m so grateful for the experience I had, but it was not Christmas, I straight missed it this year. Not a complaint! So Christmas here is awesome, not a gifts thing, it’s a family and community party bonanza(pronounced banan-za like part banana… you should be told) Christmas day was basically a 12 hour party starting at 5 pm through the night until the sun began to brighten the sky. It was a ton of singing songs and playing games. They play a lot of follow the leader style songs, they stand in the middle and the circle follows. Lots of reactions games, but all musically oriented. Very cool, very inclusive, very difficult for newcomers who don’t speak the indigenous language… It was really a lot of fun. They bought and killed a whole cow, we ate all night. It was a delicious jovial celebration the way I imagine much more appropriately celebrates Christ’s birth.
VACATION I’m so lazy, I don’t want to write anymore, but if I don’t, I risk forgetting details when I’m 30 (if you know me it’s likely I’ll start forgetting major details in about a week) and international assault from my mother. (if you’re in my mother’s home church group you should talk to her about her rage issues. now mom, read how many people have read this and now think you’re scary). So me and the amazing MCC team my new home town Chad and our team from Burkina Faso went to Benin for “a week”. Our airline cancelled three times. Once delaying our departure and two days adding another 5 days to the tail end of our trip. It was a really nice trip. It was wonderful getting to see the other people working in similar situations. We ate ice cream that almost brought a tear to my eye.(be it actual quality, or the “food tastes better when you’re hungry”) We spent some great time just hanging out, taking it slow. I can’t overstate how nice it was to see everyone. We did take a few day trips to take in a little history, we saw one of the major ports in the slave trade. Saw things like old tree’s the sold slaves would have to walk around as a sign of cleansing( the tree had medicinal elements to it used for cleaning wounds) their lives of Africa. It was pretty shattering. We have a pretty messed up history, and I always wonder what I would I have done if I was there, and what will my great grand kids look at in my life with disgust. We spent new year’s there, which was fun, we spent the whole time on our balcony watching all the little firework demonstrations around us.
GOAT…. I killed a goat. I won’t go into details other than a feel like a little of my inner child has died, but I feel like I’m one step closer to that ever elusive standard of “man”…. Maybe at least I’ll grow in some of the patchier areas of my beard.
Summation: Chad is great; I’m starting to really find some of the charm here. I still find things that make me double take, but I was talking to my mom on the phone and (and after one of her usual screaming fits in which she told me she was going to sell our cat just to upset me) I said that it is starting to feel like I’m living here. Not like I’m spending time here until I go home, but that I need to prepare an exam for my 6eme(one perk of teaching high school in the French system is that everyone calls me prof, I feel important) class and I want to see some of the people i would almost call friends. (I haven’t had the “define the relationship” talk yet, but soon…. Soon.) It’s good, thank you for all of your prayer and support.
BAPTISM. So before I mention the actual baptism you must know of the events precede the event. I had 30 hours of a baptism class, in French, in the heat of the day, rounding my Sunday up to about 6-7 hours at church. It was pretty intense, the subject matter was well organized and not incredibly difficult but again I state that it was all in French which is exhausting. After completing this there were several interviews to evaluate my clarity of mind and biblical knowledge. Again in French and again made for an exhausting day. But after experiencing the actual baptism, I know that it worth it. The baptism was said to start at 6, which came to about 9 or so. The event was attended by an approximate five thousand with around 430 people being baptised. Crowd control was the Chadian boy scout hitting with sticks to drive the crowd back… awesome. They called our names and sat us in columns for rapid deployment. After everyone was seated we had a service. There were 23 church bodies represented, all of which had a representative come up and say something or lead a song. (the next day revealed an awesome sunburn restricted to half of my face) They then filed people out in groups of 20 out to the water, the host pastor said a quick word and all dunked at once. Then it was a pretty quick loud and high energy process, people singing clapping. It was incredible. Path through the crowd to a mass changing area(rice sacks sown together, 20 guys SO tightly packed, it was insanity), I sincerely doubt I’ll ever forget that walk. After changing came the pictures, a lot of people said I was the first white guy to be baptised there, I remain sceptical, but people were really excited to see me do it. A lot of pictures. Then to one church for a service/dance party. Then to our own churches for communion. Lots of people walking with us, it was the closest to celebrity status I will ever be. Then a bunch of people came back to our house for food and song until late at night. I slept like a champ that night.
CHRISTMAS So it was not Christmas. It was a lot of fun and I’m so grateful for the experience I had, but it was not Christmas, I straight missed it this year. Not a complaint! So Christmas here is awesome, not a gifts thing, it’s a family and community party bonanza(pronounced banan-za like part banana… you should be told) Christmas day was basically a 12 hour party starting at 5 pm through the night until the sun began to brighten the sky. It was a ton of singing songs and playing games. They play a lot of follow the leader style songs, they stand in the middle and the circle follows. Lots of reactions games, but all musically oriented. Very cool, very inclusive, very difficult for newcomers who don’t speak the indigenous language… It was really a lot of fun. They bought and killed a whole cow, we ate all night. It was a delicious jovial celebration the way I imagine much more appropriately celebrates Christ’s birth.
VACATION I’m so lazy, I don’t want to write anymore, but if I don’t, I risk forgetting details when I’m 30 (if you know me it’s likely I’ll start forgetting major details in about a week) and international assault from my mother. (if you’re in my mother’s home church group you should talk to her about her rage issues. now mom, read how many people have read this and now think you’re scary). So me and the amazing MCC team my new home town Chad and our team from Burkina Faso went to Benin for “a week”. Our airline cancelled three times. Once delaying our departure and two days adding another 5 days to the tail end of our trip. It was a really nice trip. It was wonderful getting to see the other people working in similar situations. We ate ice cream that almost brought a tear to my eye.(be it actual quality, or the “food tastes better when you’re hungry”) We spent some great time just hanging out, taking it slow. I can’t overstate how nice it was to see everyone. We did take a few day trips to take in a little history, we saw one of the major ports in the slave trade. Saw things like old tree’s the sold slaves would have to walk around as a sign of cleansing( the tree had medicinal elements to it used for cleaning wounds) their lives of Africa. It was pretty shattering. We have a pretty messed up history, and I always wonder what I would I have done if I was there, and what will my great grand kids look at in my life with disgust. We spent new year’s there, which was fun, we spent the whole time on our balcony watching all the little firework demonstrations around us.
GOAT…. I killed a goat. I won’t go into details other than a feel like a little of my inner child has died, but I feel like I’m one step closer to that ever elusive standard of “man”…. Maybe at least I’ll grow in some of the patchier areas of my beard.
Summation: Chad is great; I’m starting to really find some of the charm here. I still find things that make me double take, but I was talking to my mom on the phone and (and after one of her usual screaming fits in which she told me she was going to sell our cat just to upset me) I said that it is starting to feel like I’m living here. Not like I’m spending time here until I go home, but that I need to prepare an exam for my 6eme(one perk of teaching high school in the French system is that everyone calls me prof, I feel important) class and I want to see some of the people i would almost call friends. (I haven’t had the “define the relationship” talk yet, but soon…. Soon.) It’s good, thank you for all of your prayer and support.
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